I believe that a good portion of our mental and emotional distress comes from a series of unonyms we've been taught our entire lives. What I mean by unonyms is:
a pair of words that we have linked together as either antonyms or synonyms, opposites or twins, but in reality do not have a direct tie to each other.
One example of this is the unonym pair happy/sad. Since childhood, we believe that happiness lies on one end of the emotional spectrum and sad is on the other, with all other emotions lying somewhere in between. Imagine the confusion when you feel both at the same time! Like happiness to move to college but sadness at leaving your family behind, or happiness to win an award at work but sadness that the project is over. It's not the combination of the two that causes the emotional distress, but rather it's the confusion of how to handle two so-called opposite emotions at the same time that results in such a toxic cognitive dissonance.
I know, I'm getting off track, but it's critical to understand the concept of an unonym before I continue on in this article. An unonym that I've been extremely passionate about recently is the perceived connection between deserve and owe. Let's think of a few statements together, shall we? I deserve a family and so my boyfriend owes me children. My friend deserves support during her breakup, so I owe it to her to be available 24/7 and downplay my own happiness. Sure, everyone deserves so much in life, but why does that necessarily translate to you being in their debt? Who decides what is owed to whom and when favors must be cashed in? How much hurt in friendships and families are a result of a disagreement between what people deserve and what you owe to each other?
In this post, I want to start to tear down the connections we've all put in our minds about deserve and owe, because the relationship just isn't there. It's not a direct correlation, but a toxic unonym. There are a few blessings that open up once you realize that you deserve the world, but that nobody owes you anything.
This one is really important, especially in the workplace. The American Dream mentality teaches us that hard work is directly correlated to future success, but in reality, success in a career has a lot to do with networking, timing, and luck. I hate to break it to you, but employers aren't concerned with what you deserve when considering candidates. Sure, you may deserve that promotion, but so does every other candidate in the application pool, and who says you're better than them? Who says that your promotion has to be this specific position at that specific company at this given time? You may deserve it, but the company doesn't owe you for your years of hard work. They've give you a paycheck, job experience, and corporate benefits. Sure, a promotion would be nice, but I'll ask again, do they really owe you?
By recognizing the difference between deserve and owe in the workplace, you take charge of your own journey by developing an incredible sense of accountability and assertiveness.
You know how much work you put into your job and are proactive in finding projects to develop and showcase your skills. If you want a promotion, you work for it and make your intentions clear. You follow up with your boss about the status of your job growth. You are the perfect amount of persistent and patient, and if it becomes clear that your employer does not value your worth, you leave. There are other people out there who deserve success in their careers too, and although it sucks when someone else's success comes at the expense of our own, it's not personal.
Girls, I have a scenario for you. A guy has asked you out on a date, and it's clear that he's gone over the top. He goes out of his way to pick you up and takes you to a super expensive restaurant, encouraging you to pick anything from the menu that you want. He's treating you with respect and interest, and although it's clear he likes you, you can't seem to muster the chemistry necessary to continue dating him. When you decline his offer for a second date, his persona completely changes and he's throwing accusations at you and yelling things like "I drove out of my way to be nice and pick you up, I spent $40 on your meal, the LEAST you could do is sleep with me." The sad thing is, we've all done it. We've all been guilted into being intimate with someone just because they've done something nice for us, like taking us to a fancy restaurant or helping with biology homework.
The toxic relationship between deserve and owe comes into play again. Yes, everyone deserves love, happiness, and an orgasmic sex life! But does that mean that you have to be the one to give it everyone that asks? No.
You don't owe anyone anything, no matter how much time or money they spend trying to get your attention.
Even your family and significant others may demand things of you and remind you of that one nice thing they did for you ages ago and somehow that translates into a favor that must be cashed in now. Life isn't a game of I-O-U or 'you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.' Sometimes people do nice things because they want to, period. Stop letting yourself believe that a willing act of service automatically translates into a strict contract of exchanged favors. Once you set this precedent with your friends and family, you'll actually start being treated with more respect as it becomes clear to them that they can't manipulate you.
Of course there are going to be times when we do things we don't want to do. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. Knowing the difference between deserve and owe will help us understand what sacrifices are made out of love and when we're being a martyr. If you're asked to do something, are they asking you out of obligation, guilt, belligerence, or a disregard for your own feelings? If so, that's probably a good time to say no.
Saying no will help you set boundaries and demand respect from your peers.
The no may shock them, in which case both of you can communicate a better agreement or you can help by offering an alternative solution.
On the flip side, saying yes can be just as difficult sometimes. If someone is asking something of or offering something to you, think about this: Are they asking out of consideration, sincerity, and empathy to you? Are you accepting out of love, mutual respect, and a willingness to serve? In these cases, saying yes shouldn't be that difficult! You can move forward with your service with joy, having been given an opportunity to grow your relationship with each other.
This is the blessing that I am most grateful for. I am naturally a very paranoid person, and on my worst days I truly believe that my friends only hang out with me out of pity.
However, when you accept that nobody owes you ANYTHING, but they still choose to give you their love, time, affection, and service, you begin to cherish those free gifts more.
When your partner wakes you up a cuddle and forehead kisses, it's because they want to, not because they're expected to. When your neighbor offers to watch your kids while you go to the spa, it's because they want to see you take time for yourself. Saying 'yes' to people's offers becomes more enthusiastic and grateful. The paranoia that we all feel from time to time gets easier to manage because we're equipped with the ultimate tool to bring us back to reality: gratitude. Your connection with the people around you grows deeper and more sincere as you recognize everything that they willingly do for you out of love. You also become more motivated to return loving favors in return, swapping quid pro quo for enthusiastic healthy service.
Usually I like to base my articles on research, but this topic is too important to me to wait for science to come up with a technical term for unonymity. I see too many people willingly participate in favors that tear down their own self worth because it never occurred to them that they could say no. People are tearing friendships apart because they don't understand the difference between requesting help and demanding it. Between all the rants and stories, I hope that you all walk away with three main points:
1. You genuinely deserve the world, and all of the happiness, health, and success that comes with it, but...
2. Nobody owes you anything. You're in charge of your own happiness, health, and success, and...
3. Once you take your life into your own hands, you'll find just how attainable happiness, health, and success are.
No more waiting around for people to serve you and push you up. That doesn't mean nobody will be helping to push you up, because believe me, your truest friends and family will absolutely want to help you achieve everything that you want, but
there's a big difference between receiving help and staying stagnant while waiting for it.
I do believe in the law of attraction, and once you start demanding good things from yourself, they'll find a way to make it to you too.