I always thought anger was the worst curse you could put on anyone. As a female, anger turns you into the woman nobody wants to invite to the dinner party. She's nit picky, jealous, neurotic, over reactive, and is always off about something. As a male, you become the man that even your closest friends fear. He blames everyone for his misfortune, justifies any action, acts unpredictably, and is always apologetic after the fact. I saw many angry men and women and swore to never be like them. I sugarcoated my problems, internalized my struggles, and refused to drag anyone else down in my misery.
Something clicked for me during college. I'd been keeping my emotions in and getting more miserable by the minute. One day I let open the floodgates, I cried in protest, and asked myself why I was all alone. My theory? I was all alone because I never let myself truly get flip the tables furious. My feigned coolness made sure I was always an arm's length from anyone who could and wanted to help. Us cool cats kept going about our lives never knowing that not being alone was even an option.
I'm not perfect, but I've done a lot of thinking lately about anger and what it has to offer. Can anger help us heal from our trauma? Does anger trap us in the pain of our past, or can it actually propel us towards something greater? When I feel my outrage, should I trap myself in my room until the flood of emotions pass, or should I allow my emotions to color my voice?
So what does anger have to offer? My conclusion - a lot, but not everything. Anger can pick us out of our shame and helplessness, but it's not the final destination on our healing journey. Keep reading for my theory of the healing cycle.
This is where it all starts. After the injustice, the trauma, a controversial decision. Shame is the overwhelming feeling of unworthiness and helplessness, knowing that what has happened to you will follow you forever. This is where we still blame ourselves for all the bad that's happened, we isolate ourselves from everyone around us and shut down emotionally. Unlike guilt, which can motivate towards healthy change, shame traps us in our isolation and hinders all aspects of our life. According to shame expert Dr. Brené Brown, "Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." The light at the end of the tunnel disappears and we find a strange familiarity to our devastation and despair.
As painful as shame is, this stage is crucial because of what it makes us feel. The only thing we have to benefit from this stage is knowing that we never want to feel this way again.
So how do we pull ourselves out of this victim mentality? What will make our broken hearts believe that what happened to us was a furious wrongdoing and that we did not deserve what happened to us? Shame has us feeling some truly corrosive emotions in an effort to deny another emotion, and ironically, the emotion we are trying so desperately to avoid is exactly the one that will propel us forward towards further healing. I want you to heal, but first I want you to get flip the tables furious.
You may or may not have ever considered anger to be a tool for growth before, but I believe it to be the most important step in reclaiming power and worth in your life. Psychiatrist Richard Fitzgibbons has seen a lot of anger in his clients and has extensive commentary on the nature of anger and how to heal. In this article, anger is an awareness of "a sense of injury or wrong...[and is] a natural response of the failure of others to meet one's need for love, praise, acceptance, and justice." In other words, anger allows us to recognize the problem as well as the role of others in our pain. By allowing your anger to express itself, you are letting other people know that the previous treatment made to you was unacceptable and unjust. We humanize ourselves, demanding that we are worthy of love, respect, success, and all things beautiful in life.
My Mom introduced me to an article in the April/May Flow Magazine about the healing effects of anger. Arun Ghandi approached his grandfather Mahatma Ghandi's (you know, the nonviolence activist?) in embarrassment over his temper. Upon hearing that Arun regularly got angry, Mahatma Ghandi celebrated and replied,
"Anger to people is like gas to an automobile - it fuels you to move forward and get to a better place. Without it, we would not be motivated to rise to a challenge. It is an energy that compels us to define what is just and unjust. Use your anger for good" (Flow Magazine, April/May 2019, The New Action Plan, pg. 29-31).
Let's read that again, anger is intended to fuel us forward to a better place. We are not intended to stay in the anger stage forever! We can be productive during this stage of outrage, but it is not our final destination. Anger allows us to connect to people around us, especially to those who have been through similar experiences or are sympathetic to our cause. You let yourself and others know that you demand to be treated better. We gain a family of sorts, screaming for change in unison so loud that we no longer feel ignored. Without us banding together, getting angry, telling our stories, and identifying the problem, we wouldn't be able to make effective political and social change. People may be able to dismiss one story, but they cannot dismiss thousands.
Now that anger has connected us to our peers, the next step is to connect to those who appear to oppose and oppress us. When you're ready, it's time to heal and forgive.
This is a difficult step, and it's one that a small percentage of people make it to. This step is difficult because it requires us to be compassionate to the people who have been opposing us for so long. Anger may be able to help us recognize that there is a problem, but without truly understanding our opponents, we don't know what exactly the problem is, or what solution all parties will be able to accept. We have to get to know them and ask ourselves the questions they would never ask themselves outright. Why are they on the opposing side? What do they have to lose by believing our story? What are they afraid of by supporting us? These questions will give crucial insight into who they are, what they want, and how we can communicate with them. It's difficult, but this is the only want to make lasting social change - not by overthrowing those who oppose us, but by getting them on our side without demanding that they change their identity and standards.
Forgiveness may not require you to forgive the action. Some actions have irreversible consequences and leave a permanent scar in innocent lives. However, we can find forgiveness in a healthy way. We can forgive the person out of a sincere desire that when they come to the realization of what they've done, they will be able to find self-forgiveness. We can forgive groups and cultures that are associated with an individual's radical actions. As terrifying as it is, it is likely that most of our forgiveness will be extended to people who will never apologize. Forgiveness is for you just as much as it is for them, and the cultivation of forgiveness is one of the most direct paths towards healing our anger.
If you are in the shame stage, my heart aches for you. I want to reach out and extend all the love in the world to let you know you are worthy of joy. I wish so many wonderful things for you. Remember what it is that you are feeling right now, so that hopefully you never return here.
If you are in the anger stage, I celebrate you! Congratulations on beginning your healing journey and reclaiming your importance in this world. Let this anger fuel you towards social change. May you know when to share your story in love, when to scream your story in protest, and when to keep it sacred. Do not rush this stage, there is much good to be done here.
If you are in the forgiveness stage, or attempting to forgive, my heart goes out to you too. Life is not as simple as black and white, right and wrong. To be able to understand the other side without compromising your own voice is very difficult. You will need the help of family and friends to keep you grounded when forgiveness seems too daunting.
I wrote of shame, anger and forgiveness as a progressive path, but it is also an inclining loop. We may experience feelings of shame and anger at the same time, or after finding forgiveness we may become triggered and fall into the cycle all over again. Just know that each time you do come across shame or anger, you have more tools and knowledge to get out faster, to learn different lessons, or connect to more people. I would be lying if I said I lived a beautiful life full of forgiveness and free of pain. Pain is the permanent scar left on me by the reckless actions of others, but joy and abundance is your inheritance, as undeniable as your heartbeat. Do not deny your anger an opportunity to be expressed, but one day, I do hope you allow forgiveness to guide you back to your inheritance.
